When it comes to parenting, I’m constantly amazed at the things that come out of my mouth. Nothing surprises me anymore. Once upon a time, hearing myself say the sentence: “Dominic, please don’t eat whatever bug you just picked up” would surprise me and kinda make me chuckle. I remember the first time I said that, thinking… “hmm, there’s a sentence I shouldn’t have to say out loud.” Nowadays though, sentences like that are just plain ordinary. It must have something to do with raising a boy. I’m positive my parents never had to say anything like that to me. ;o) It’s crazy how de-sensitized I’ve become to saying things I never thought I’d have to say. Even still, every once in a while, a sentence will come out of my mouth in the heat of the moment… and even I, with all my toddler/weird sentence experience, find myself having a laugh.
10 Things I Never Thought I’d Have To Say
1. “Dominic, please don’t lick the bottom of your flip flops.” Why? What on earth is appealing about licking the bottom of a shoe? Surely he doesn’t think it tastes good?
2. “Dominic, did you pee in your toybox?!” Don’t even get me started on this one. We’re still fighting this battle and I think it might kill me.
3. “No sir, you may not shove your string cheese into the AC vent.” He’s just so darn creative. I mean, why does that even occur to him?
4. “Dominic, this is a mop bucket. NOT a toilet.” Yes, he peed there too.
5. “Whoa! Excuse me, you may absolutely NOT reach into the toilet and touch your poo-poo!” Honestly, I don’t even have words for this one. Surely, I’m not alone in this?
6. “Dominic, if you pee in ONE MORE PLACE that is not a toilet…! WHY would you pee on your mattress??” Yes, he peed there too.
7. “Excuse me young man, we DO NOT make potions out of sunscreen and goldfish crackers.” This one ruined one of my favorite dishes.
8. “No sir, you may NOT pee on your carpet in the closet either!” Yeah… there too.
9. “Dominic, why is there a spit-wad shoved way up your nostril? And why didn’t I know about it until this morning?” This one actually came out of Tim’s mouth. If he hadn’t blown his nose that morning… who knows how long it would have stayed there. We had no idea.
10. “Seriously, Dominic? Did you pee in your dresser drawer???” Yeah… he peed there too.
You know what’s funny? When I go back and read all these things that have ACTUALLY come out of either mine or Tim’s mouth, I think – “Geez, who’s supervising this kid.” But if you’re a parent, I think you can attest to the fact that they really aren’t children, as much as they are stealthy little NINJAS that can literally get the paint down off the counter, open it, and paint a life-size mural on the wall and carpet behind your recliner before you’ve finished going pee and pulled your pants up. LITERALLY. (True Story.)
All that aside though, if tomorrow I woke up and had the choice – I’d do it ALL again. Man, I love that kid somethin’ fierce.